The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.' 'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of Youth.'
'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.' "But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!' 'Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate that.... But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.'
Boudreaux showed up at Mass in New Orleans one Sunday, and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Boudreaux had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass the priest caught up to Boudreaux and said, "Boudreaux, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, but what made you come?"
Boudreaux said, "I got to be honest with you,Father; a while back I misplaced my hat, and I really, really love that hat. I know that Thibodeaux had one just like mine, and I knew that Thibodeaux came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Thibodeaux had to take off his hat during Mass, and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Thibodeaux's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Boudreaux, I notice that you didn't steal Thibodeaux's hat. What changed your mind?"
Boudreaux said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Thibodeaux's hat."
The priest gave Boudreaux a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, right?"
Boudreaux shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left my hat."
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer.
The first nun said that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she wouldn't feel comfortable about buying it. The second nun replied that she could handle that without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face, so the nun said, "We use beer for washing our hair; a sort of shampoo, if you will."
The cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer.
He looked at the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell downwhen he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you join us?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat, and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"
Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left me hat."
A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?" Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
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A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par 3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?"
The young man says, "An 8 iron, father, how about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8 iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."
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Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5 iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes," says the woman." Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times....just put me down for a five." ----------
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A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
To which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
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The bride came down the aisle. When she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here"?
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
On holiday in Europe, Bert noticed a marble column in a church in Rome with a golden telephone on it. As a young priest passed by, Bert asked who the telephone was for. The priest told him it was a direct line to Heaven, and if he'd liketo call, it would be a thousand dollars. Bert was amazed, but declined the offer. Throughout Europe Bert kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column at each church. He asked about it and the answer was always the same: a direct line to Heaven and he could call for a thousand dollars.Bert finished his tour in Ireland . He decided to attend Mass at alocal village church. When he walked in the door he noticed the golden telephone, but underneath it there was a sign stating: DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN 25 cents." Father," he said, "I have been all over Europe and in all thecathedrals I visited, I've seen telephones exactly like this one but the price is alwa ys a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?" The priest smiled and said, "Son, You're in Ireland now, it's a local call."
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, when they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end and sank to the bottom of the pool.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital since she now considered her to be mentally stable. She went to tell Edna the news.
She said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that your action in saving Ralph shows that you are mentally stable and we are going to discharge you. The bad news is, right after you saved him, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I hung him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
