Finley Peter Dunne (July 10, 1867–April 24, 1936) was a Chicago-based U.S. author, writer and humorist. He published Mr. Dooley in Peace and War, a collection of his nationally syndicated Mr. Dooley sketches, in 1898.The fictional Mr. Dooley expounded upon political and social issues of the day from his South Side Chicago Irish pub and he spoke with the thick verbiage and accent of an Irish immigrant.
Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there." Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help." As Mick was leaving, Barty called " Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?
An Irishman, an Englishman and a beautiful girl are riding together in a train, with the beautiful girl in the middle.The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Irishman are sitting there looking perplexed. The Englishman is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.
The Englishman is thinking "Damn it, that Mick must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me."
The girl is thinking, "That Englishman must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped."
The Irishman is thinking, "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Englishman again!!
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
A man goes to the optician's. "I’ve got to the bottom of your problem sir," says the optician. "You are totally color-blind." "Well, that’s a real bolt out of the green," says the patient.
Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale"
It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thus: "Lads, I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire landscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one of the homeliest colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said,"Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time."And of course the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion was even the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified. And he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the court without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken by a young lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful, graceful, blue-eyed woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped, "I don't understand it!" The young beauty answered, "Well I'm sure I don't either, I was walking along minding my own business, when all of a sudden I stepped on a duck."
Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fiber network.
Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 h years ago were an even more advanced civilization, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place.
The old priest had come to visit a sick parishioner in a lonely farmhouse in the west of Ireland. He arrived on a freezing cold, torrentially wet day and was greeted by the farmer and his two sons.
'Come in, Father. My wife is through in the parlour. There's a roaring fire that'll warm the cockles of your heart. Finbar, bring the father a whiskey. Eugene, shake the rain off Father's umbrella and bring it into the house.'
No matter how Eugene manoeuvred the umbrella, he couldn't get it through the front door.
'Finbar, will you help me with this contraption, it's too wide to come through the lobby,' he called.
'Don't worry,' said the priest. Till do it.'
So saying, he pressed the catch which released the spring and the umbrella collapsed down. 'Did you see that,' said Finbar with complete reverence. 'They certainly do have the power!'
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Murphy was 77 years old and had worked 80 hours a week all his life and never had a holiday. His children were all married and his wife had died. He decided to enjoy life. He had a face lift, got a new expensive toupee, bought ten new suits and a brand new car. One evening he got all dressed up in a new suit, new tie, put on his toupee, and got into his new car and drove off towards Dublin. He was only gone a mile when he was killed in an accident. On arrival in heaven, he walked over to St. Peter and said, "What's going on here? All my life I worked hard, and finally, when I had everything in place to enjoy myself, I was killed. Why? Why did you let it happen?" St. Peter ducked his head in embarrassment and said, "Well, to tell you the truth I didn't recognize you."
February 19 1904 - Birth on the Great Blasket Island of writer Muiris Ó Suilleabhain who is best known for his book, "Twenty Years A-Growing" 1939 - De Valera states his intention to preserve Irish neutrality in the event of a second world war 1987 - A general election in the Republic returns a Fianna Fáil government with Haughey as Taoiseach 1992 - US government deports Joseph Doherty, volunteer Oglaigh na hÉireann 1999 - Agriculture Minister Joe Walsh launches an ambitious bid to cushion the impact on Ireland of huge cuts in EU beef subsidies as the deadline for sweeping CAP reforms nears 1999 - Families of missing IRA murder victims plead with Sinn Féin leaders to use their influence with the IRA to find out where the dead are buried 1999 - The hearing of an application by Sinn Féin for an injunction restraining the party's expulsion from the Northern Ireland negotiations resumes at the High Court 2000 - Four peacekeepers killed in an automobile accident in Lebanon - Privates Declan Deere, Brendan Fitzpatrick, Jonathan Murphy and John Lawlor - are laid to rest in their native towns 2001 - According to the latest price survey, taxes make price of Irish cars highest in the EU 2001 - A 4ft limestone rock is unveiled at the entrance to Villierstown in west Waterford which is famous for the heroic exploits and achievements of John Treacy. Weighing a massive eight and a quarter tons, the stone, which came from the nearby quarry at Cappagh, bears the surnames of all 84 families living in the village and the immediate surrounding townlands as of January 1, 2000 2003 - Taoiseach Bertie Ahern says a second United Nations resolution before any military action against Iraq is a political imperative. But Mr Ahern is still refusing to state whether the Government will halt the use of Shannon Airport by the US military if the Bush administration undertakes unilateral action against Saddam Hussein without UN backing.
"So, have you figured what to buy the Missus for Christmas?" asked Brady. "I, sure have, she decided it for me," answered Paddy. "She said she wanted something with diamonds in it, so I've bought her a pack of cards."
This weeks famous Irishman is Finley Peter Dunne.
