Irish Bashing

Irish Bashing - by AOH 32 Brother Tom Purcell

Note: The following story is true. It happened in Alexandria, VA in 1999. Pat Troy, who came to America from Ireland and was running a successful Irish pub, lost a zoning battle that prevented him from relocating his pub to a building he'd purchased. The reason: the condo association next door didn't want a "dirty Irish pub" for a neighbor. Troy has since moved his pub to another location. Here's the link to his Web site.

The slogan wasn't "Irish need not apply." It was worse.

In Old Town, Alexandria, a stone's throw from Washington, D.C., a battle has raged. The battle involves a popular Irish pub called Ireland's Own and a condo association. Here's what's been going down.

After 19 years, Pat Troy's Ireland's Own pub must relocate; a new landlord is converting the restaurant's space into offices. So Pat Troy, an Irishman known for his many charitable causes, purchased a building two blocks from its current location – right across the street from the condo people.

That's when all hell broke loose.

Condo people despise pubs. They despise noise. They tend to be single middle-aged women with cats, and they'll do ANYTHING to keep Irish pubs out of their snug little existence. They launched a political attack that made Al Qaeda operatives look like Quakers.

First came their "NOLUV" slogan, which stood for "noise, overcrowding, litter, urinating and vomiting." Then came allegations about the pub's patrons – that they drink too many pints of Guinness, then sing the Unicorn song into the wee hours.

Then came the condo association letter. It read: "Pat Troy's Ireland's Own isn't just a bar, it's an IRISH bar. Having it as a neighbor will destroy our property values..."

The lousy condo-owner bigots.

My great great grandfather Thomas James Purcell came here from Ireland in the 1870's. He suffered similar indiscretions. That they're still occurring is no surprise. We Irish have suffered slander and humiliation for years.

But we can take it.

We can take the drinking jokes, such as, Why did God invent whiskey? To keep the Irish from taking over the earth. Or: What's a seven-course Irish meal? A potato and a six-pack. Or: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One less drunk.

We don't mind the one about Paddy finding a tea kettle in the woods. When he rubs it, a genie pops out and grants him three wishes. Paddy wishes for a bottle of whiskey; it appears in his hands. When he drinks it, the bottle automatically refills. He drinks it again, and it refills.

"What's that?" says Paddy.

"That is the bottle of infinity," said the genie. "Every time you empty it, it will be refilled. Now, you have two more wishes. What do you want?"

"Jaaasus," says Paddy. "I'll have two more just like it!"

We don't mind the lazy Irish jokes, such as the one about St. Patrick going to an Irish pub. Donovan, McNalley and Finnegan see him. Each buy him a beer. Before leaving, St. Patrick shakes Donovan's hand.

Donovan says, "My arthritis! St. Patrick, your touch has cured it!"

St. Patrick shakes McNalley's hand, and McNalley says, "My blind right eye! St. Patrick, you've cured it!"

St. Patrick goes to shake Finnegan's hand. Finnegan shouts, "Get away from me, St. Patrick. I'm on disability!"

We don't mind the Pat and Mike jokes, such as the one where Pat goes to Confession.

"Father, I've had an adulterous affair," says Pat.

"What is her name?" says the priest.

"I'm not telling," says Pat.

"Was it the McMannis Lass?" says the priest.

"No," says Pat.

"Was it the McAlister widow?" he continues. "We've been gettin' reports on her."

"No," says Pat.

"Was it the McGuinness harlot?" he demands.

"Father," says Pat, "I'm not going to tell you the lass's name."

"Then I'm not going to absolve your sins," says the priest.

Pat goes outside to Mike. Mike says, "So, Pat, did you get absolution?"

"No," says, Pat. "But I got three very good leads."

We Irish don't mind that so many jokes are told at our expense. We don't mind being slandered and stereotyped by uppity condo owners. Nor do we mind that the condo owners succeeded in thwarting the move of Ireland's Own to the building Pat Troy had purchased. (Alexandria's city council voted the measure down four votes to three).

Because we Irish don't get mad, we get even.

Pat Troy will find a new home, and he and his fine pub will succeed. As for me, I'll be patronizing Ireland's Own on St. Patrick's Day. I'll drink several pints of Guinness, then stroll over to a certain condo building, where, into the wee hours, I'll sing the Unicorn song at the top of "me" lungs.

Depending on how things go, I'll see how many of the other NOLUV activities I can fit in.

Hey, the condo people started it.

Read Tom's Nationally Syndicated Column Here.

Tom Purcell
Nationally Syndicated Humor Columnist
571.216.6265